I never thought I would want to SCUBA dive. I never really even thought about it. Ryan wanted to, but I assumed it was something I would let him do with me sitting on the sidelines. He was determined to get certified prior to our Hawaii vacation this year; for one who wishes to SCUBA dive, that's an amazing place to start eh?
Then, it came time to sign up for lessons. Ryan was so excited and I got excited with him. After several days of consideration, I decided to sign up with him. Wow, never thought that would happen. So, we went to the shop, got my required gear (mask, snorkel, booties, and fins) and me signed up for the same class as Ryan. We studied (maybe not as much as we should, maybe more than others..) and we took our test. We were ready for SCUBA lessons the next day.
Except that I was always deep down feeling a sense of anxiety, a feeling of fear at the thought of being 30, 40, 50 feet under water...that's A LOT of water to be under!! The book talked about pressure changes and dangers. Then there's the small fact that....humans CANNOT breathe naturally underwater. The only way we can breathe is to take the air with us and only then we have to have the regulator (air mouthpiece/feeder thingy) in our mouths for us to actually get that air that we're traveling with.
But I did my best not to think of my fears and tell myself that I'm only feeling anxiety and fear because I haven't ever done this before, it should go away with exposure.
At class we got in the water (let it be known I was already frustrated though other events prior) and put on our gear and were instructed to go under water, breathing mind you...breathing, underwater. I took my last breath of lovely air from the surrounding room, put the regulator in my mouth and went under. It was a bit weird, a bit crazy, then I attempted to take my first breath and everything went downhill. I took a breath and water rushed into my mouth; apparently I didn't have a good grip on the regulator with my lips. Out of the water in a complete panic I came and completely fell apart. After panicking and falling apart in the pool for several minutes, I got out...and never got back in that day.
I did a lot of thinking the rest of that day and the next. Making sure I wasn't attempting lessons for Ryan, but only for myself. Thinking about whether or not I actually really wanted to learn how to dive. I went through so many decisions of "yes" and "no" I was a complete washing machine; what I "decided" one minute was very likely not to be my decision the next. Finally, while Ryan was at the Sunday class and I was at home watching some random bit of TV, I made my final decision. I still wasn't sure if I wanted to learn, but I needed to get back in the pool and try again. I needed to try again and really focus on giving the activity a good try; and I hadn't the first time, I panicked and completely shut down.
So, we talked to the instructor and it was decided that we could come in on Friday (this is Monday by the way) and see what happens. No pressure, nothing fast, no extra group. Great, I had ALL week to think and stew about my decision. And if you know me at all, you probably know that I'm really good at stewing. I think and think and think some more, constantly wondering if I made the right decision, and it allows my terror to build. By the time Friday evening rolled around, that's exactly what I was feeling, outright terror.
But the instructor was wonderful; she was very nice and understanding. She talked about her experience learning to dive and how it took her a while to stop feeling anxiety about not having the open air right next to her. Basically for about 2 1/2 hours I worked on breathing, that's it, breathing...underwater. First with the snorkel, then with the regulator. At the end I had the tank on my back and was throwing a water toy torpedo thing back and forth. I have a lot to think about...again, but this time my thoughts are in a different light.
My decision to continue can be based on knowing that I can and deciding that I simply don't want to, as opposed to being terrified and deciding that I can't. Still not sure about this whole SCUBA diving thing. I suppose only time will tell if I actually complete the course and start diving with Ryan (he'd always be my dive buddy). But at least I have the option. It's nice to have options.
